I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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