Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
