Whatcha textin bout Willis?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
