I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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