I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
