so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
