2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
