I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
