Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
