even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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