why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
