We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
