So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
