I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
