Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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