dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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