Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
