why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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