Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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