And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
