I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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