I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
