A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
