We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
