Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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