The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
