you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
