I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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