just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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