I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
