Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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