I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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