Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Randomize
