I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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