My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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