so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
