My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
