There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
