I hate all girls vehemently.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
