a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
