dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
