I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize