I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
