I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
is wine microwaveable?
two words: eviction party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
