if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
