Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
