My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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