Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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