You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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