The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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