stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize