ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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