I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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