I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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